When sleeping women wake, mountains move. ~ Chinese Proverb
This is for all of the times when you've doubted your own power.
There is something truly magnificent formulating itself in the heart and mind of humanity right now. I'd like to think it's the waking up of feminine power. Feminine Power doesn't have to reside solely inside of a woman, but for the sake of this writing, I am speaking to the soul of a woman. I am speaking only to her because we, in so many ways, have been silenced and belittled for so long. And when a woman feels powerful, powerful from the HEART, the entire world heals and sighs a deep sigh of hopeful relief.
There is no doubt a LOT going on in the world right now. Many women coming forward speaking "me too" bursting open an eternity of silence, shame and repression. There is a lot going on right now.. the world, in my eyes, is waking up from a truly deep and long sleep. And when you've been sleeping for thousands of years, just imagine how grumpy you feel when you wake up? Trust the process of waking up...
Women: all I want to say is this. In all ways trust your path. I read once that according to certain ancient traditions, there exists a belief that to incarnate as a woman is one of the highest forms of energy in the Universe. Why? Because women birth LIFE. And truly, LIFE is the deepest and most ultimate gift.
When we wake up to the power of grace and love that exists inside of us, the world can heal.
How do we heal the world?
By doing the best we can, with where we are. Mother Theresa said: "If you want to heal the world, go home and love your family."
Do your best, with what you have, in your small corner of the Universe. Everything is taken care of itself... Trust.
In gratitude & solidarity, Natalia
So many of you have absolutely no idea who my Grandmother is. And of course you don't, number 1, because many of you don't even know me, & number 2, the last day I saw her was my 18th birthday which was now, 12 years ago.
If you have at any moment connected to my energy in any way, then you've met her.
My Grams (or Baube as I called her) was truly, my life. She was the light of my life. And something really magical happened the other night which led me to decide to post this Eulogy I wrote for her when I was 18 years old.
A few weeks ago I was on the phone with my mom (who I am equally as obsessed with even when we argue lol) and I randomly mentioned to her how sad I was that I didn't have the Eulogy that I wrote for Grandma anymore.. lost it on an old computer, never to be found again. I fully surrendered obtaining in that moment & forgot about the conversation.
Sunday night I was writing a column about the Full Moon in Taurus for a new website I just started writing for. My Baube was a Taurus, born May 3rd. I was searching my emails to send off my piece of writing & randomly stumbled upon something in my email box that caught my eye. I opened it, and there it was, an email from 2006 where I sent my best friend at the time my Grandmother's Eulogy. Not only was the Taurus moon thing a weird synchronicity but that same day, I met a girl named Lila through Task Rabbit who came to put together my IKEA couch b/c I am NOT good at putting things together.. anyways.
I talked about my Bubs at great length with Lila so I thought this was so incredible I found this sacred piece of writing the same day.
Only a week ago had I grieved momentarily that I would never get to read it again. Because whenever I do read it, it brings me back to the deep fond memories and OVERWHELMING feelings of LOVE that permeated from my Grandma's essence. As well as the deep pain that has finally healed from me losing her. She was truly life itself, such a pistol, and so insanely impactful on my consciousness that to this day, I still weep sometimes from missing her so deeply.
So read on if you'd like to read the story, a love story of sorts, sans the romance part, that I had with one of the most exquisite souls I've ever known. I always asked her before she died to let me know that she was still around, and here she was, she did it again.
( Reminder: Age 18 when written / I haven't edited this so pardon the spelling errors / the fact that I was taking Jewish studies & was spelling G-d reflective of the way I was being told to in that course at the time. I read this aloud at her Celebration of Life (( not funeral )) in 2006. )
My Baube. This is the hardest thing to write, because I have too much to say.. its the hardest thing to write because I have a strange fear that after this moment passes and I dont say what I want to, I will feel regret that I wasnt able to tell you everything.
I have really been waiting for this day. In a sense, it represented to me a day where I could see my Baube again, feel her presence, speak in length, as much as I want.. to feel closer to her, to feel her again.. I feel her only sometimes.. I speak out loud about her everyday, when I meditate I feel her, when I sit outside on a perfect day and the wind brushes through my hair and caresses my skin, in the sunny salty air of San Diego.. I feel her. She told me so many times my Senior year before I came to school how much she would miss me.. she would say, you know, Im really going to miss you next year when youre gone.. Life is so beautifully ironic, who knew.. it would be me who would constantly long for her. On my worst days I just want to pick up the phone and call her.. Bubs Im so sad. Guess what great thing I did today? What do you think about this? What does it all mean? What should I do?... Thank G-d for my amazing mother.. to me, she is the reincarnation of my amazing grandmother.. I miss her more and more everyday, and I long for her voice and her touch. The worst thing about death I have learned is missing the sound of their voice and missing the warmth of their touch, and their embrace. I miss hugging my Baube and being able to lay my head upon hers, and smell her, and feel her soft curly red locks I embrace everyone a little longer now, lay my head upon theirs if I can.
My baube was an astounding woman to me.. I only know that on the day of her celebration of life, she would never have it called a funeral.. she would have wanted me to look pretty and talk to all of her dear friends, and to smile, and to recall her memory with astonishment and fondness.. those feelings are nearly overwhelming to me. Her and I were so open about her death.. I will recall some of our best memories together, and tell you about the final days we had together. I know my life will forever be beautiful because of what my grams has given to me. And just a side note, she used to let me call her poopsie as a term of endearment, which my parents always thought was strange.
I woke up in the middle of the night about a month ago, I just couldnt sleep. And I just started to think about her. I layed there until the sun came up, watched it rise and thought about her the entire time, I even called her phone just to hear her voice. I thought about today, and everything I wanted to say. I remember when I was young, in my baubes beautiful house on Marlett.. that house was my haven, it was where I grew up, so much about me is rooted in that house with her. She would order cheese pizza from Dominos, we sat on her big fur rug in the living room and had tea parties on my pink Barbie Dishes, only no tea was present, just marvelous company, cheese pizza and Coke.. one time, she even let me eat ice cream for breakfast. I remember thinking, what an amazing woman!
I was afraid of the thunder when I was little.. I remember one moment with my gram, in her backyard, we laid in her long orange camping tent in the middle of the grass, bundled up and warm, the rain pounded on the tent and the thunder rolled.. I was probably four or five, and I remember the perfect comfort I felt in that little tent in the middle of the yard whule she told me what thunder really was: something about G-d going bowling.. and needless to say, Im no longer afraid of thunder and lightning.
When I look back on everything I remember my Baubes smile.. her big, perfect smile.. I dont know if Ill ever have anyone that loves me so much for the rest of my life, just completely loves me, with no regard to my imperfections and vices. To my gram, I was almost perfect.
Death has taught me many things.. that within the busy-ness of my youth, I have often put aside what is most important and what always seemed to me, extremely permanent. Nothing is permanent. Two weeks before my Baube died I went to see her with two of my best friends. She was extremely coherent, sitting up in a chair adjacent to her bed, a little blanket over her, and of course, eating a cup of ice with a spoon.. She greeted me with the warmest smile and was so happy to see me.. For the rest of my life, I will remember these moments, my last with her as I wish to remember her. I sat down next to her, both of her hands cupped in mine, we touched foreheads and talked.. we just talked about where she might be going. We both said how badly we would miss each other, I asked her for one favor, that when she was gone if she would just some how show me, that she was somewhere, not far, but somewhere far from here, and that she remembered me and she loved me and missed me Ive felt her, like I said, I feel her in the wind. In these moments, as we held our heads closely and breathed one another in, I told her, that if in all of her life, if she had ever been unsure of herself, or ashamed or sad, to just know and to know completely that she had touched my life and made me into an amazing and beautiful person. I am kind to people in the world, and I have a beautiful soul, because her, and my parents and my Grandpa made me that way. Its strange that the warmth of those moments, sitting with her within our last conversation, who knew it would be our last? I had pangs of feelings about it and my life continued on, I drove home, called her before I went to bed, told her I loved her forever and ever, more than the moon and the stars. I talk to her when I look at the moon and the stars.
My weeks passed on, my birthday came my Gram was getting worse... I didnt know, I was too busy with graduating, turning 18, dance, school, and life to notice. I regret that. Please learn from my regret, nothing is more important than your family that loves you, your time is the greatest gift of all.
April 17th, 2005, my 18th birthday, my dad told me that my Grams kidneys were failing and she was choosing to not be treated, I thought great, she doesnt need anymore poking and prying, but I also knew that it would be the end of her physical existence here with me. I went to see her in hospice with my mom and my aunt there. Laying there was not the woman I remember now, just a small, tired replica of my baube. She was just like a little child.. I thought to myself, how ironic, my grandmother was there when I was born, the exact day, saw me as a frail little pre-mi, and now here I stand, an 18 year old woman watching my baube as she let go of life.. the day I had to let go of her from this world, was the day 18 years ago she welcomed me into it. Thus is the ebb and flow of life. I sat with her, one last time, held her fragile little hand and stared into her eyes.. I just told her I was leaving, and that I was saying goodbye, and this would be our goodbye from here.. I love you forever, I will see you around one of these days, love you forever.. she responded, I dont know where Im going.. And thats okay.
Baube, I will love you forever and ever, I feel blessed and perfectly content standing here in front of the people who love you and miss your spirit, sharing my story of you and me from the beginning to the end. I will love you forever and always, and feel you with the wind and the warmth I know deep inside my heart, we will be together again someday.
First off, I want to clear something up. Anyone, and I repeat, ANYONE, can be a mystic. This is a self-given title that I have fun utilizing because I so truly love the mystical components of the life journey. If you choose to study the deeper workings of the Universe and utilize the wisdom to help yourself become the most authentic and loving version of yourself, then, in my opinion, you are a Mystic. Even better if you utilize those tools to help others be the best version of themselves.
I am passionate about this part of life because the Mystical saved my life.
(*I want to share part of my old story with you here, and I hope that my expression of this old leg of my journey can assist you or someone you love move through addiction or depression of any kind.*)
A few years ago I was in a session with my old therapist, and I was having what could be considered a pretty massive breakthrough. I walked through my past with her: addictions of all kinds, workaholism, perfectionism, the most unhealthy relationship to my body and to life itself. I burst into tears when I remembered my turning point, of finally answering the call inside of me to get healthy and get aligned with my Spirit. This was the first moment I realized why I was so obsessed with mystical sh*t, because basically, it kept me alive and kicking on Planet Earth, instead of vacating, aka, exiting, checking out, or dying.
When I was 19 I started reading spiritual books and began to study art in college. I shifted away from my Marketing / Political Science degree and surrendered into my creativity and personal relationship with myself. It was some of the darkest years I remember because so much got dislodged from my subconscious and I had to face all of it, alone, living in California away from my family. And I was wayyyy too scared to ask for any kind of help (NOT a good idea, ever everyone!). The intensity of the emotions and the constant sadness gave way to addiction, and truthfully, after a year of disrespecting my Being on every level, I had a crazy thing happen one night that looking back on it changed my life forever and started me on my path with the Mystical.
Since I was young, I'd always had a crazy connection to horses. My family moved to an equestrian neighborhood in Arizona and I began horse riding lessons immediately. I was a really happy kid until about age 8 when I started to get extremely self-conscious. Horseback riding and being in the desert with those sacred creatures was medicinal for me. It still is.
So fast forward many years- I found myself on a bender with my then LA party crew, nearly having heart palpitations from doing some really bad cocaine. We somehow ended up at a friends horse stable (don’t even ask, b/c if you’ve partied before you know how those nights can go...) and there I was walking around, searching for water, dying inside.
But I wasn’t physically dying from what I could feel, I was dying spiritually. I was exhausted and completely lost. And in that state of high, I realized how sick I was, not physically, but mentally, emotionally and most importantly, spiritually.
I truly hit rock bottom right there. And before I did, I stood before a stable (still in search of water), where the most majestic black horse stood. It looked back at me, caught my gaze, and whether it was the drugs or me, I literally heard something in me ask the question,
“What are you doing with your life?”
I felt embarrassed and small in the presence of Mother Nature and I knew that I had to change fast or I was going to ruin my life.
Why share all of this? Well number 1, it is EXTREMELY vulnerable for me to share this story, not only to risk sounding slightly insane but also because, no one really knows about that chapter of my life. But what I learned most of all from that faited chapter is this: ALL WAYS OF DARKNESS LEADS US BACK TO THE LIGHT.
The next morning when I woke up, I first chose to forgive myself for everything I had been putting myself through and I decided to make a massive change. I won’t go through the last 8 years with you, but I will say that that day, was truly the first day of my journey with the mystical and coming home into the beauty of Myself.
The mystical to me is having a deeper relationship with life and finding our self-worth and power from within. We are raised to think that everything and everyone outside of us define our value. We have been conditioned to that idea since we were very young.
For me, journeying into the mystical gave me an anchor to explore life on my own terms. It gave me tools to begin to define myself and most importantly, to enjoy my time alone with myself.
If we want to find our purpose, we have to know how to be alone. We have to know how to sustain from the inside out to truly be powerful and effective with life.
I share this story in hopes that it can assist, especially anyone going through darkness of their own.
Again, all ways of darkness leads us back to the light and life is full of beauty and magic. I never thought I would be someone who could actually say that.
There's always a deeper reason for every experience in life. How can we take the seeming inconveniences and turn them into something magical and empowering?
Ready to turn the corner? I am gifting free 30 minute consultations to celebrate the launch of my Life Coaching practice:
I have been reading an incredibly insightful book called the Empath Survival Guide by Judith Orloff. It came to my understanding in my last relationship that I have a remarkable amount of sensitivity. So often in my life this has been something that I have judged instead of embraced, mostly because the world at large doesn’t exactly embrace sensitivity mostly viewing it as weakness, versus something to honor.
I remember the first ever time I saw Marianne Williamson speak in Los Angeles, she was saying that vulnerability is actually the deepest form on strength. I never forgot this sentiment. This leads me back to the book.. Judith Orloff explains how empaths are highly sensitive and emotionally open and hyper available beings who often struggle with relationships and even life in general, when they do not fully understand the beauty and power of their ability to feel life in such a deep manner. I should shift this writing into 1st person, as these are the things I am currently learning reading this amazing book..
So what is an empath? An empath is someone who feels, a lot. Empaths can be vastly misunderstood in the world because as I mentioned above, sensitivity is so often deemed a weak or inappropriate state of being living in a world where a tough shell is often called for and even celebrated as the right way of existing. In a world like this, sensitivity is a power move and a risk. To feel to is truly understand what life is all about. As I mentioned in one of my recent blog posts How to Love Yourself, often times if we don’t take the initiative to feel our way through our experience, the Universe or Life, will give us challenge and seeming opposition to open up our feeling centers. I also like to think of spirituality or living life with awareness, as an opportunity to stay in sync with the Universe’s rhythms so we can soften the blows life hands over at times..
Feeling is the soul’s opportunity to speak with us. Life is complex and offers us a ton of opportunities to understand and relate to it in our own unique way. If you think you are an empath or just someone with extreme sensitivity, I definitely recommend reading Judith’s book and getting into touch with understanding this powerful part of yourself. This is a journey I am currently embarking upon and I can say that it has already brought so much clarity and peace into my life.
Suggested Reads by Natalia Benson
1. Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsh
2. Empath Survival Guide by Judith Orloff
3. Material Girl, Mystical World by Ruby Warrington of the-Numinous
4. Journey of Souls by Michael Newton
5. Many Lives, Many Masters by Dr. Brian Weiss
Life. Wow. What a strange, beautiful and often remarkably challenging thing. I get asked this a lot... “How do I find my purpose?” “Why am I here?” This so often comes from people who have worked long and deeply entrenched in perhaps the corporate world or who have felt directionless just out of college or a major job change.
Also.. some people incarnate and feel blocked when it comes to following what in their deepest knowing they feel is there direction to move in their life... they listen to everybody else, never themselves, and at some point feel the call of the unknown somewhere deep inside that they can no longer ignore..
Look, life is challenging. No matter what. My favorite quote of all time is, “All beings suffer, some too much and others too little...” by The Buddha. It may appear on your Instagram or Facebook feed that everybody has it sorted out, except for of course, you. But this truly.. is not the case. We never know the deeper purpose of why people have the lives they have, versus the life that we ourselves have. I am not digressing here, simply getting to my point...
So, how to find your purpose. It is simple, but it can also be very complex. The question of it’s simplicity versus its’ challenge is this: how authentically can you listen to what you feel? and how authentic can you be? And how much action are you willing to take? Being yourself in this world is a challenge because we have been conditioned by society and capitalism to believe that our authentic self is flawed and is not to be trusted or listened to. Many beings have no idea of what their authentic self is, they just move through life perhaps with a feeling that something is missing, but never have the courage to face this internal calling and explore it further...
Finding your purpose takes courage and it takes authenticity.
Some thought provoking questions are this... are you willing to go after what you truly want? Are you willing to fail? to feel alone? to feel misunderstood? and even judged? Because I almost guarantee that as you move either onto, or more deeply, into your authentic self and path you will meet everything that challenges you, inviting you to go back to the “cozy” vibe of the status quo. You have to be strong and you have to be willing to listen to you.
I didn’t make the rules of the Dharmic path, and these are only my perceptions based on my own experiences. I invite you to ask yourself the following questions and see what your heart has to say.. not just your mind.
Your heart will speak to you in feeling, your mind most often in fear (which expresses itself as judgement and doubt...) If you get an excited/nervous feeling with some of your answers, pay attention to that... that could be your heart trying to get your attention.
Ok, here we go:
1. how authentically can you listen to what you feel?
2. how authentic can you be?
3. are you willing to go after what you truly want?
4. what do you actually want? what scares you the most here?
5. are you willing to fail? to feel alone? to feel misunderstood? and even judged?
6. how do I find my purpose? Why am I here?
7. what calls to me but i'm afraid of?
8. what am I willing to do about it?
I recommend this as a journaling exercise, if you’d like to do them in accordance with the lunar cycles this is great. New Moon or Full Moon. New Moon= starting anew, fresh energy. Full Moon= releasing old energy, letting go.
I truly hope this has assisted you and I would love to hear what you think. xx, Natalia
So what exactly is the mystical? Well, I like to see the mystical as the magical sides of life, the small moments that just feel beautiful.. and require no opinion or jurisdiction of their majesty... simply a feeling of goodness and truth. Everyone connects to the mystical in their own way. I’ve cultivated my connection to the magic of life through Kundalini Yoga, Tarot, Astrology and (some) moments of meditation (lol), as well as times in Nature and with friends and family that I love deeply.. The mystical keeps me in touch with what is beautiful and real, outside of my stories or negative perceptions of a situation or life itself. The mystical helps me to trust my relationship with the Universe, and the fact that life, truly is, there for my highest and best interest... so if I haven’t convinced you already, see below on some of my reasons you could use a little more practical magic in your every day...
1. We are not just our body and mind, but our Spirit too. Modern life encourages us to live with an almost unhealthy obsession with our body and mind (I understand this because believe me, I am very much engrained in it too...) Inserting the mystical into our lives is important, because it allows us to truly appreciate all aspects of life. Spirit or spirituality (however you define it) offers depth, light and a more all encompassing perspective which can soften the rough edges of being a human being... All things of our authentic spirit come from pure Love and lend lightness and beauty to our experience, as well as perspective to the darkness and challenge of things..
2. Because not all answers come from Google (or why Astrology & Tarot are amazing). One of my spiritual sisters is Ruby Warrington, of The-Numinous.com. We have been long time Instagram and email accomplices in all things mystical and her expression in the world is one that continually feeds me with inspiration and hope. Ruby wrote (and just recently released) a book called “Material Girl, Mystical World” and in it she speaks about how Tarot is like “Google for the Soul”.. I love this sentiment and here is why: Tarot and Astrology offer us insight and guidance on life. It’s not so much about a crystal ball and fortune telling, but rather pragmatic insight into the how’s and why’s of you in the now. All power exists in the present moment and our mind is our greatest tool. Shift how you look at a situation, gain a new perspective, make a new decision and voila, you have just shifted your reality.
3. Talk to plants (and use Essential Oils). Ever hugged a tree? It’s not just for hippies anymore. Nature supposedly emits a megahertz that resonates at the same energetic magnitude of the human heart Chakra. Ever wonder why you feel so good after you finish a hike?... The energetic frequency of the Earth is deeply healing for the human body and spirit. I have always said, stay close to the Earth and let that guide your life. I do this by eating clean, organic and natural foods (which I am very grateful are in such abundance in Los Angeles..), drinking purified water and utilizing essential oils. I only endorse doTerra and here is why: doTerra is an extremely high integrity essential oil line. How I have learned about them is this: they source their plants only where the plants grow indigenously as well as support the local infrastructure wherever the plants originate, instead of coming in, taking over and taking all of the profit.. the oils also undergo rigorous testing which is why they can be offered as medicinal grade some of which can be taken internally. I am going to be real with you here, they are a MLM Structure (you can google that..) so you can build your own business by offering oils or, simply order the oils monthly and incorporate them into your life. Another important facet of the MLM structure is that it encourages person to person sharing, which is pretty key for oils because half of the time you buy one at the store and have no idea what to do with it. Essential Oils have the potential to add a bit of Mother Earth to your every day life. I utilize the Peppermint oil almost every time after I eat and apply it to my lower back at the beginning of my moon time when my cramps are at their peak. Anyways, I could go on about essential oils so I will include a whole other blog talking about them another time if you’d like. ;)
4. Kindness is magic. The next time you are in a crappy mood, wake up on the wrong side of the bed or feel anxious and rushed, take your attention outside of yourself and be kind to every person you meet or encounter. No need to fake it, just tap into your internal reserve and let your own story go for a while about how off kilter you feel. I guarantee your whole vibe will shift just by sharing kindness and good energy with another human being, you may have no idea the magnitude of light you could be bringing into their life that moment.
How do you bring the mystical in your life? I’d love to hear.
And be sure to stay tuned, I will be releasing my Mystic 101 Online Course this Summer : )