So many of you have absolutely no idea who my Grandmother is. And of course you don't, number 1, because many of you don't even know me, & number 2, the last day I saw her was my 18th birthday which was now, 12 years ago.
If you have at any moment connected to my energy in any way, then you've met her.
My Grams (or Baube as I called her) was truly, my life. She was the light of my life. And something really magical happened the other night which led me to decide to post this Eulogy I wrote for her when I was 18 years old.
A few weeks ago I was on the phone with my mom (who I am equally as obsessed with even when we argue lol) and I randomly mentioned to her how sad I was that I didn't have the Eulogy that I wrote for Grandma anymore.. lost it on an old computer, never to be found again. I fully surrendered obtaining in that moment & forgot about the conversation.
Sunday night I was writing a column about the Full Moon in Taurus for a new website I just started writing for. My Baube was a Taurus, born May 3rd. I was searching my emails to send off my piece of writing & randomly stumbled upon something in my email box that caught my eye. I opened it, and there it was, an email from 2006 where I sent my best friend at the time my Grandmother's Eulogy. Not only was the Taurus moon thing a weird synchronicity but that same day, I met a girl named Lila through Task Rabbit who came to put together my IKEA couch b/c I am NOT good at putting things together.. anyways.
I talked about my Bubs at great length with Lila so I thought this was so incredible I found this sacred piece of writing the same day.
Only a week ago had I grieved momentarily that I would never get to read it again. Because whenever I do read it, it brings me back to the deep fond memories and OVERWHELMING feelings of LOVE that permeated from my Grandma's essence. As well as the deep pain that has finally healed from me losing her. She was truly life itself, such a pistol, and so insanely impactful on my consciousness that to this day, I still weep sometimes from missing her so deeply.
So read on if you'd like to read the story, a love story of sorts, sans the romance part, that I had with one of the most exquisite souls I've ever known. I always asked her before she died to let me know that she was still around, and here she was, she did it again.
( Reminder: Age 18 when written / I haven't edited this so pardon the spelling errors / the fact that I was taking Jewish studies & was spelling G-d reflective of the way I was being told to in that course at the time. I read this aloud at her Celebration of Life (( not funeral )) in 2006. )
My Baube. This is the hardest thing to write, because I have too much to say.. its the hardest thing to write because I have a strange fear that after this moment passes and I dont say what I want to, I will feel regret that I wasnt able to tell you everything.
I have really been waiting for this day. In a sense, it represented to me a day where I could see my Baube again, feel her presence, speak in length, as much as I want.. to feel closer to her, to feel her again.. I feel her only sometimes.. I speak out loud about her everyday, when I meditate I feel her, when I sit outside on a perfect day and the wind brushes through my hair and caresses my skin, in the sunny salty air of San Diego.. I feel her. She told me so many times my Senior year before I came to school how much she would miss me.. she would say, you know, Im really going to miss you next year when youre gone.. Life is so beautifully ironic, who knew.. it would be me who would constantly long for her. On my worst days I just want to pick up the phone and call her.. Bubs Im so sad. Guess what great thing I did today? What do you think about this? What does it all mean? What should I do?... Thank G-d for my amazing mother.. to me, she is the reincarnation of my amazing grandmother.. I miss her more and more everyday, and I long for her voice and her touch. The worst thing about death I have learned is missing the sound of their voice and missing the warmth of their touch, and their embrace. I miss hugging my Baube and being able to lay my head upon hers, and smell her, and feel her soft curly red locks I embrace everyone a little longer now, lay my head upon theirs if I can.
My baube was an astounding woman to me.. I only know that on the day of her celebration of life, she would never have it called a funeral.. she would have wanted me to look pretty and talk to all of her dear friends, and to smile, and to recall her memory with astonishment and fondness.. those feelings are nearly overwhelming to me. Her and I were so open about her death.. I will recall some of our best memories together, and tell you about the final days we had together. I know my life will forever be beautiful because of what my grams has given to me. And just a side note, she used to let me call her poopsie as a term of endearment, which my parents always thought was strange.
I woke up in the middle of the night about a month ago, I just couldnt sleep. And I just started to think about her. I layed there until the sun came up, watched it rise and thought about her the entire time, I even called her phone just to hear her voice. I thought about today, and everything I wanted to say. I remember when I was young, in my baubes beautiful house on Marlett.. that house was my haven, it was where I grew up, so much about me is rooted in that house with her. She would order cheese pizza from Dominos, we sat on her big fur rug in the living room and had tea parties on my pink Barbie Dishes, only no tea was present, just marvelous company, cheese pizza and Coke.. one time, she even let me eat ice cream for breakfast. I remember thinking, what an amazing woman!
I was afraid of the thunder when I was little.. I remember one moment with my gram, in her backyard, we laid in her long orange camping tent in the middle of the grass, bundled up and warm, the rain pounded on the tent and the thunder rolled.. I was probably four or five, and I remember the perfect comfort I felt in that little tent in the middle of the yard whule she told me what thunder really was: something about G-d going bowling.. and needless to say, Im no longer afraid of thunder and lightning.
When I look back on everything I remember my Baubes smile.. her big, perfect smile.. I dont know if Ill ever have anyone that loves me so much for the rest of my life, just completely loves me, with no regard to my imperfections and vices. To my gram, I was almost perfect.
Death has taught me many things.. that within the busy-ness of my youth, I have often put aside what is most important and what always seemed to me, extremely permanent. Nothing is permanent. Two weeks before my Baube died I went to see her with two of my best friends. She was extremely coherent, sitting up in a chair adjacent to her bed, a little blanket over her, and of course, eating a cup of ice with a spoon.. She greeted me with the warmest smile and was so happy to see me.. For the rest of my life, I will remember these moments, my last with her as I wish to remember her. I sat down next to her, both of her hands cupped in mine, we touched foreheads and talked.. we just talked about where she might be going. We both said how badly we would miss each other, I asked her for one favor, that when she was gone if she would just some how show me, that she was somewhere, not far, but somewhere far from here, and that she remembered me and she loved me and missed me Ive felt her, like I said, I feel her in the wind. In these moments, as we held our heads closely and breathed one another in, I told her, that if in all of her life, if she had ever been unsure of herself, or ashamed or sad, to just know and to know completely that she had touched my life and made me into an amazing and beautiful person. I am kind to people in the world, and I have a beautiful soul, because her, and my parents and my Grandpa made me that way. Its strange that the warmth of those moments, sitting with her within our last conversation, who knew it would be our last? I had pangs of feelings about it and my life continued on, I drove home, called her before I went to bed, told her I loved her forever and ever, more than the moon and the stars. I talk to her when I look at the moon and the stars.
My weeks passed on, my birthday came my Gram was getting worse... I didnt know, I was too busy with graduating, turning 18, dance, school, and life to notice. I regret that. Please learn from my regret, nothing is more important than your family that loves you, your time is the greatest gift of all.
April 17th, 2005, my 18th birthday, my dad told me that my Grams kidneys were failing and she was choosing to not be treated, I thought great, she doesnt need anymore poking and prying, but I also knew that it would be the end of her physical existence here with me. I went to see her in hospice with my mom and my aunt there. Laying there was not the woman I remember now, just a small, tired replica of my baube. She was just like a little child.. I thought to myself, how ironic, my grandmother was there when I was born, the exact day, saw me as a frail little pre-mi, and now here I stand, an 18 year old woman watching my baube as she let go of life.. the day I had to let go of her from this world, was the day 18 years ago she welcomed me into it. Thus is the ebb and flow of life. I sat with her, one last time, held her fragile little hand and stared into her eyes.. I just told her I was leaving, and that I was saying goodbye, and this would be our goodbye from here.. I love you forever, I will see you around one of these days, love you forever.. she responded, I dont know where Im going.. And thats okay.
Baube, I will love you forever and ever, I feel blessed and perfectly content standing here in front of the people who love you and miss your spirit, sharing my story of you and me from the beginning to the end. I will love you forever and always, and feel you with the wind and the warmth I know deep inside my heart, we will be together again someday.